I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
