Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
