How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
