I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
