remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
