Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
