i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's the barista slut.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Randomize
