Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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