4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
someone threw a dead crab at me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
