My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
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