I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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