Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
