I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
