so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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