I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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