that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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