question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
