what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
