I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
