Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
a search helicopter?!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
