I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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