i think my mom watched the whole time
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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