I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
