If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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