I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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