Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
