at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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