Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
