dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
