ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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