I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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