Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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