I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
