I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
