btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
