have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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