you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The struggles of a small town man whore
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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