is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
