I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
