btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
