The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
