Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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