i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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