Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
