Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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