I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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