tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
