I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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