beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
