So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
