Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
