I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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