I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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