They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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