im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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