I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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