You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize