you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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