I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
