Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
