I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
