Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
