Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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