dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I look better un-naked...
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize