I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
