every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
