so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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